Tip:  Make your “business” trips longer. All that shaving- Johnny’s face is sensitive: a razor was never mean to touch a fine piece of art like this. 

Now with all that said I did have an amazing threesome: more to come to on that topic. 

Well, I’m back and ready to get me some meaningless monkey sex- the way God intended it to be.

Ah, the YouTubes is great.

I get all the Obama coverage anyone could ask for. I’m not really sure how it all applies to me, but at least I can see his wife Michelle.  That is one fine MILF. Woowee!

Does it concern anyone else that he swore to execute the office of the President?

This reminds me of when Chanaynee became head lasy of the tranny brothel. First Indian Black women to pimp in Kingston. It was a truly amazing step forward in minority rights for Ontario.

Well, I’m going to go get some comfort from Fredrica, and then Ol’ Johnny will be back for more.

Now, on the brighter side, I have come across a lascivious angel of the night. She is one fine work- it’s nice meetin’ you DigiVixon. I may be having coitus Fredrica but for those few minutes, I’ll think of you.

Johnny “the 96th” Wright

Watch for the important tip of the night

Johnny wants to do ya right

Having had three ex wives, and 2 current wives, I am somewhat an expert on how to avoid getting into these situations.  Sure, it’s nice having 2 ladies to scrub your floors, and clean up after you and the best home cooked meals. But then there is the whole not having sex ever again- which is not worth it (most of the time). And then when they finally want to have sex- they want to have a baby! A BABY!? I can’t have a baby, that’ll ruin my mojo. What would I do with a baby? All that poop.

So, the ideal Valentine would be someone who would not want to commit: ei, pay them for their time rather than buying gifts…

Flowers: Avoid these. Obviously there is something in flowers that make a woman feel the need to be with the giver of flowers forever. I’m sure it comes from the cold war in Russia. They don’t have flowers there, so it wouldn’t work on them! They are sooo clever. Flowers make women want to pollinate. Althought humping actual flowers turn my kink crank- women to whom you just gave flowers are a stigma you do not want to touch. This is how I nailed my first wife…

Real Candy: It seems chocolate may actually be a real aprodisiac- but watch out. She may associate the chocolate with you, and she’ll stick like taffy. Now, if she’s anorexic it may be ok. She’ll love the thought, but realize you’re a dunce and not care to commit to someone who’s a few bolts shy of just being nuts. See my first wife was anorexic, how was I to know that real candy would be an awesome valentine’s gift?

Poetry: Do NOT write poetry. Even the shittiest garbage that was written by a pre-pubescent school-boy could make most women swoon (no wonder there are so many hot teachers hooking up with school-boys). There was this really hot red head, and I wanted some sweet lust juice. So I wrote her some really kinky poetry. Wow, the shag was phenominal! If I cold have sex like that every night, I would gladly drop 3 of the Top 5 Sex Positions for Advanced Sexual Beings. Alas, marriage reared it’s nasty head and I gave in. If you’re ever faced with this decision- avoid it or leave. Trust me, you never want to become as desperate as Seth Green or I was at that time. I was actually monogamous for a couple months!

Song: This is a step up (or down depending on how you look at it), this is when you’re sooo desperate, so totally fixated on banging that special lady that you’d write a song, learn guitar, and actually sing even though you’re tone def to have that special feeling between your legs (besides the guitar- boy that is fun).  Adam Sandler regrets wanting to grow old with you… check out this sap, even he got a sexy sweetheart with his song.

Diamonds: Dogs are a man’s best friend (maybe that’s why we like bitches so much?), but women will die for these. Sure, you’ll get plenty of sex for a while; but once the second part of that set goes on her finger, you will shortly be cut off and if you have to convert to Judaism cut off will mean a whole new thing…

Well, I hope you heed to these words or you may just end up like Brad Pitt, with lots of kids and a really hot partner that you can never touch and who will go Lara Croft on you if you even look at anyone else. You have been condemned to eternal blue balls.

If Seth Rogen had read this, he wouldn’t be stuck with Evan Goldberg.

-Johnny “unfortunately the master of marriage” Wright

Valentine’s Day is soon approaching. Lust is in the air. So what should you get for your bedding prospects and why in the world are you thinking of it already? Seriously, whatever happened to the days of last minute thinking and no shopping?

I noticed that many people were already buying things for their loved ones, and even their wives!? The last time I bought anything for either of my current wives was because I couldn’t afford anything for the ladies on Montreal Street.

So, what should you buy that will guarantee a night of meaningless sex? Here are my top 5 valentine’s day gifts that’ll get any whore, ho, street hooker, escort, occasional stripper, prostitute, or any other working woman to go wild on that special night.

5. Condoms: yes the ladies seem to love receiving these from strange men. They go wild. I think it may be a rubber fetish. I personally find it an aphrodisiac- like chewing gum. Now remember: just cause you buy them, doesn’t mean you should use them.

4. Jonas Brother’s Latest album: These guys are sensational according to the internets. Strippers and prostitutes are accustomed to listening to hard, sexy music. The Jonas kids are neither. These sweet faced kids may turn my crank, for others it’s cute and refreshing. Baby Bottle Bop- enough said.

3. Jamaica Proof Rum: Affects the good judgement area of the brain- take that superego! Get them to do enough shots and they’ll do you and throw up no extra charge!

2. Money: Women seem to enjoy the green, purple, red, blueish colours our money comes in. I guess they enjoyed Canadian prostit-o-poly as much as I do. My wives are always asking for more.

1. Candy: Yes, flavoured roofies can be a great way to say I love you and women will lie down in acquiescence to your sexual demands.

And that’s why I’ve never had a lonely Valentines. Follow these or you may just end up like Seth Rogen…

Coming soon: What not to buy for Valentines. Make sure you don’t make the mistakes I did. 5 Marriages- 2 current.

-Johnny “the Lust God” Wright

Money, money, money!

A couple weeks ago I won a million dollars on the lotto. The lottery is an important part of civilization. My She-father always hated “the great lottery” and always cursed the universe because she was born a man. But I was born a dude, and I like it. No periods, PMS, carrying babies, make-up, shaving, Brazilians, mood-swings, cleaning, obeying your husbands, and all that crap. I guess ‘like she-father like son’ doesn’t apply here. She-dad was always disappointed.

Anyways, the 3 best investments for your million is to spend it all within a day. It’ll produce happiness, confidence, increase spending and is almost guaranteed to turn the tide of economic fall-out. Here’s how:

Meat: Invest 33% of your million in the prostitution: they are the true working class. Make sure you have a different lady every hour, you’re going for variety- so make sure you bounce back and forth from high class BDSM to low class blow jobs. Also, don’t forget the hard working trannies- they have the best meat. Alternative for those who like working: buy or become a pimp.

Pharmaceuticals: Invest about 20% of your million dollars in drugs. Drug dealers make the world go round- it’s pretty psychedelic. Take about 10% in make sure you get the best stuff (from pharmacists); use the other 10% for mystery mixes from shady characters in back alleys who look like an undead Kirk Cobain- it’s fun trying to figure what kind of trip you’re on (or not on- if it’s really crappy). When you have money- people know where to get drugs for cheap (Canada). Alt for entrepreneurs: take a chemistry course and make your own drugs.

Natives: The Indians know how to live! And there’s no better treatment than being a high roller at a Charity Casino. Go to a small establishment and gamble it all away! Complementary women and drugs: free crack for everyone! Alt: build an underground gambling ring with cock-fights: nothing better than gay cross-dressers wrestling to the death. I made a funny! Watch out Jerry Seinfeld, here I come.

By spending it all as soon as possible, you avoid the curse that comes with it. Remember:  take the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 very seriously… Just look what happened to Hurley on Lost, and we all know what happened to Seth Rogen.

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In a drunken stupor, last night I fell into a garbage bin and it snowed pretty hard. Which was great that it snowed it kept me warm. A mini igloo. Anyways, when I woke up, I felt refreshed and had clarity of mind. I would recommend trying to sleep in a garbage bin, it’s like accupunture and aromatherapy while you sleep.

So, I just wanted to share my lifelong dream and New Years Resolution with all my new friends. My resolution is to become a late night talk show host. I always hated watching late night shows growing up. They are so tame the make Howard Stern seem edgy.

I want a talk show with egde- that talks about real life things. like transsexual elephants rights in circus’, and I want an interview with God and Allah at the same time, wrestling with cougars, getting down deep with pornstars and politicians, getting in fights with Jerry Springer, and all the things that life is about.

Don’t worry friends, I won’t forget about your talents- they will definitely be featured on the show. You are great performers and worth every penny I already pay you.

I’m on the toilet right now, and I got to thinking- you all are probably all wanting to ask me, “Johnny sex-god Wright, what are your favorite sex moves?”

Well, thanks for asking. I’m assuming you’re asking because you eventually want to pleasure me.

Since I have a pretty active (and expensive) sex life, normal sex isn’t quite cutting it for me. I’ve given up on waterplay with race horses,  breath play with fish, scat with lesbian dom-frogs with pink whigs,  etc.., it’s all child’s play. Ever since my 16th birthday where my left-gonad had been half severed by a blue lobster had not even given me even a semi, my mothers suggested moving on to the advanced sexual level. Eat your heart out Maxine X- that would be kind of sexy- you are now deemed vanilla next to me.

Here are my Top 5 Sex Moves for Advanced Sexual Beings:

5. The Joe the Plumber (or plumbum): Plumbing was made to be sexual, I’d be surprised if everyone hasn’t at least experimented with this. This is where you use old piping in the anus to stimulate orgasm (aim towards the belly-button). The corroded metal and rust really make it a treat to your senses. The trick is to use WD40 as lube, get it in as far as possible and add various nuts and bolts. This move is not only pleasurable but cathartic.

4.Tail-gating: Apparently this one isn’t that uncommon. About.com talks about it as if it’s the most common thing… Tail-gating is usually is done in the city. It’s when you sit on the side of the road until unsuspecting cars are parked at a red light. Then you run up behind it with your arms open wide and, well, I’m sure you can figure out what the autos tailpipes are for. It’s exhausting… haha, I made a funny, watch out Seth Green- here I come (second pun not intended).

3. Textus Interruptus (SMS): This one is common, but not used to it’s full potential. People don’t understand that interrupting an engaging conversation or amazing sex can be a major turn-on. Guys love inconsiderate bitches, women love heartless jackasses. So, of course, there’s nothing like textus interruptus. When you’ve finally achieved the Joe the Plumber, and all of a sudden you hear a txt mss alert, followed quickly by the chime of a monkey wrench hitting the ground, then you see  your partner obsessively searching for the cell phone in their purse to reply back with a “lol-me 2″. The result “F U hard”.

If that doesn’t get your gears going… wait for it…

2. Fetishistic Euthaniasian Transparaphenomilogiscpectrocelebaphilia (aka FeET or Kutcher’s Wet Nightmare): What can I say, when tranny milf- or tilf- Demi Moore (aka Dennis Miller when not in cross-dress) is ready to be with me but can’t escape the testicular vice-lock of the domineering Ashton Kutcher because (s)he is too old and brittle, (s)he will commit suicide, become a ghost, and make wild kinky love to me while Ashton is stuck with Patrick Swayze. They’ll make the biography movie called Ghost 2: The Threesome. The side story will be Ashton Kutcher played by David Spade continually trying to kill himself because he’s so pathetic without Demi but can’t because he’s cursed for what he did to her, while the suave sexual Johnny Honor Wright will be played by either me or Wilmer Valderrama (depends on my schedule) and we all know Demi/Dennis can hold its own in low grade movies. Just to be clear, FeET is a three-way with the ghost of an old transexual who committed suicide to avoid suffering, and it’s corpse.  Wow, I am so hot right now. Demi/Dennis will be able to put her feet in places you’ll never know Kutcher. BTW, love you in Smallville.

And finally- what you’ve all been waiting for: the ultimate sex move from the Advanced Mavericks of the Sexual Perversity of Kingston, Ontario is…

1. The Nintendobama (aka “Yes, wii can!”): This move can make the most vanilla orgies, the most flavorful. This move begins auditorily, but needs to be backed by action. Anytime someone asks if something sexual can be done with any video game console produced by Nintendo, we all shout, “Yes, wii can!”. Mum’s wife, Granmmy, always said video games weren’t really bad for you, but she never told me they could be this good!

Well, these are the top 5 sexual moves that will get any man, woman or animal hot to trot in 2009. Enjoy these free secrets to advanced sex – look out for my  book “For the love of Paraphilia”, in stores soon.

Ps. Don’t try them all at once or at all if you haven’t tried all 3002 Masters Mid-level basic Sex Moves 2 positions. We all know what happened the Seth Rogen…

- Johnathan Honor Wright

BA (bad ass) in women’s studies minor in mens, Mb in womens panties, and Phd in phychospectracoital analysis from Advanced Mavericks Perversity of Sex in Kingston, Ontario

Well, I was just heard that sexual activity increases during Christmas and New Years. Duh!?

In my family, as in most families in this area (and I would imagine around the world) every second Christmas is in celebration of the Virgin Mary, her bastard son and the fertility god, we would go to the local brothels and see all the unwed mothers with their illegitamite children. I always found this a wonderful time. Me, a little 5, 7, 9, or 11-year old, my two mothers and my she-father all together for that special time of the year. All the beautiful ladies dressed in red and white, coming out of the rooms dishevelled and well-worked; graciously giving each lonely customer in need an extra 5 minutes of their precious Christmas wreaths.

All the workers were so nice. While my parents were doing Charity in room 6, the workers on break would give me rum, eggnog, and cigars. And Sin-D Claws would make me sit on her lap and tell me what I wanted. I would tell her what I wanted, and I could tell she was happy to hear from me by the way her keys would move in her pockets.

When she was working, she’d make sure no strangers would confuse me with one of the workers by shouting in a deep voice, “this is my boy, bitch” and they’d run away pretty quickly. Sin-Digs her claws deep- that’s what the man on the corner would always shout. He must have known her too.

Anyways, I always knew Christmas time was the most sexual time of the year. Of course, it’s in celebration of the god of fertility, a young virgin (whom every man would like to pop that cherry) who gives birth to a metrosexual ladies’ man who loves prostitutes and men. Why wouldn’t it be the most sexual holiday? Valentines is about love (which is disgusting), Christmas is about lust.

Live every day like it’s Christmas!