Johnny is Five Alive

Well, I visited the ol’ kin-folk. What a sexless visit. Sure we talked, my 4th wife really communicated some deep personal blah blah. Ol’ Johnny isn’t meant for home life, it makes me feel like a lifeless robot. No, Johnny Wright is a man of the world. 

Tip:  Make your “business” trips longer. All that shaving- Johnny’s face is sensitive: a razor was never mean to touch a fine piece of art like this. 

Now with all that said I did have an amazing threesome: more to come to on that topic. 

Well, I’m back and ready to get me some meaningless monkey sex- the way God intended it to be.

The Wright Binge

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Ah, the YouTubes is great.

I get all the Obama coverage anyone could ask for. I’m not really sure how it all applies to me, but at least I can see his wife Michelle.  That is one fine MILF. Woowee!

Does it concern anyone else that he swore to execute the office of the President?

This reminds me of when Chanaynee became head lasy of the tranny brothel. First Indian Black women to pimp in Kingston. It was a truly amazing step forward in minority rights for Ontario.

The Pain of Being Wright

I just got my Vlog up last night, as you’re all aware. But Ol’ Johnny is sad. Ol’ Johnny is only the 96th highest rated comedian on the youtubes and I have been on there since last night. I just don’t understand why I’m not #1… but I got to have faith (I love you in a mostly plutonic Christian way, George) or I might just end up like Seth Rogen.

Well, I’m going to go get some comfort from Fredrica, and then Ol’ Johnny will be back for more.

Now, on the brighter side, I have come across a lascivious angel of the night. She is one fine work- it’s nice meetin’ you DigiVixon. I may be having coitus Fredrica but for those few minutes, I’ll think of you.

Johnny “the 96th” Wright

The Wright Intro: On the YouTubes!

While I was at Emily’s Shaggin’ Massages Massage parlour, I found his/her webcam she uses for his/her webcam site. So, while he/she was out “slippin’ into somethin’ more comfy” I took the opportunity to say “hello” to all my fans. Click here to view the channel or just watch the intro video here on this post!

Watch for the important tip of the night

Johnny wants to do ya right

The Wright Valentine: Part 2- What not to Get for Valentine’s Day and Avoid Getting Committed

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Having had three ex wives, and 2 current wives, I am somewhat an expert on how to avoid getting into these situations.  Sure, it’s nice having 2 ladies to scrub your floors, and clean up after you and the best home cooked meals. But then there is the whole not having sex ever again- which is not worth it (most of the time). And then when they finally want to have sex- they want to have a baby! A BABY!? I can’t have a baby, that’ll ruin my mojo. What would I do with a baby? All that poop.

So, the ideal Valentine would be someone who would not want to commit: ei, pay them for their time rather than buying gifts…

Flowers: Avoid these. Obviously there is something in flowers that make a woman feel the need to be with the giver of flowers forever. I’m sure it comes from the cold war in Russia. They don’t have flowers there, so it wouldn’t work on them! They are sooo clever. Flowers make women want to pollinate. Althought humping actual flowers turn my kink crank- women to whom you just gave flowers are a stigma you do not want to touch. This is how I nailed my first wife…

Real Candy: It seems chocolate may actually be a real aprodisiac- but watch out. She may associate the chocolate with you, and she’ll stick like taffy. Now, if she’s anorexic it may be ok. She’ll love the thought, but realize you’re a dunce and not care to commit to someone who’s a few bolts shy of just being nuts. See my first wife was anorexic, how was I to know that real candy would be an awesome valentine’s gift?

Poetry: Do NOT write poetry. Even the shittiest garbage that was written by a pre-pubescent school-boy could make most women swoon (no wonder there are so many hot teachers hooking up with school-boys). There was this really hot red head, and I wanted some sweet lust juice. So I wrote her some really kinky poetry. Wow, the shag was phenominal! If I cold have sex like that every night, I would gladly drop 3 of the Top 5 Sex Positions for Advanced Sexual Beings. Alas, marriage reared it’s nasty head and I gave in. If you’re ever faced with this decision- avoid it or leave. Trust me, you never want to become as desperate as Seth Green or I was at that time. I was actually monogamous for a couple months!

Song: This is a step up (or down depending on how you look at it), this is when you’re sooo desperate, so totally fixated on banging that special lady that you’d write a song, learn guitar, and actually sing even though you’re tone def to have that special feeling between your legs (besides the guitar- boy that is fun).  Adam Sandler regrets wanting to grow old with you… check out this sap, even he got a sexy sweetheart with his song.

Diamonds: Dogs are a man’s best friend (maybe that’s why we like bitches so much?), but women will die for these. Sure, you’ll get plenty of sex for a while; but once the second part of that set goes on her finger, you will shortly be cut off and if you have to convert to Judaism cut off will mean a whole new thing…

Well, I hope you heed to these words or you may just end up like Brad Pitt, with lots of kids and a really hot partner that you can never touch and who will go Lara Croft on you if you even look at anyone else. You have been condemned to eternal blue balls.

If Seth Rogen had read this, he wouldn’t be stuck with Evan Goldberg.

-Johnny “unfortunately the master of marriage” Wright

The Wright Valentine: 5 Best Gifts to Get a Night of Glorious Meaningless Valentine’s Day Sex

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Valentine’s Day is soon approaching. Lust is in the air. So what should you get for your bedding prospects and why in the world are you thinking of it already? Seriously, whatever happened to the days of last minute thinking and no shopping?

I noticed that many people were already buying things for their loved ones, and even their wives!? The last time I bought anything for either of my current wives was because I couldn’t afford anything for the ladies on Montreal Street.

So, what should you buy that will guarantee a night of meaningless sex? Here are my top 5 valentine’s day gifts that’ll get any whore, ho, street hooker, escort, occasional stripper, prostitute, or any other working woman to go wild on that special night.

5. Condoms: yes the ladies seem to love receiving these from strange men. They go wild. I think it may be a rubber fetish. I personally find it an aphrodisiac- like chewing gum. Now remember: just cause you buy them, doesn’t mean you should use them.

4. Jonas Brother’s Latest album: These guys are sensational according to the internets. Strippers and prostitutes are accustomed to listening to hard, sexy music. The Jonas kids are neither. These sweet faced kids may turn my crank, for others it’s cute and refreshing. Baby Bottle Bop- enough said.

3. Jamaica Proof Rum: Affects the good judgement area of the brain- take that superego! Get them to do enough shots and they’ll do you and throw up no extra charge!

2. Money: Women seem to enjoy the green, purple, red, blueish colours our money comes in. I guess they enjoyed Canadian prostit-o-poly as much as I do. My wives are always asking for more.

1. Candy: Yes, flavoured roofies can be a great way to say I love you and women will lie down in acquiescence to your sexual demands.

And that’s why I’ve never had a lonely Valentines. Follow these or you may just end up like Seth Rogen…

Coming soon: What not to buy for Valentines. Make sure you don’t make the mistakes I did. 5 Marriages- 2 current.

-Johnny “the Lust God” Wright

The Wright Way to Invest $1,000,000 in a Depressed Economy

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Money, money, money!

A couple weeks ago I won a million dollars on the lotto. The lottery is an important part of civilization. My She-father always hated “the great lottery” and always cursed the universe because she was born a man. But I was born a dude, and I like it. No periods, PMS, carrying babies, make-up, shaving, Brazilians, mood-swings, cleaning, obeying your husbands, and all that crap. I guess ‘like she-father like son’ doesn’t apply here. She-dad was always disappointed.

Anyways, the 3 best investments for your million is to spend it all within a day. It’ll produce happiness, confidence, increase spending and is almost guaranteed to turn the tide of economic fall-out. Here’s how:

Meat: Invest 33% of your million in the prostitution: they are the true working class. Make sure you have a different lady every hour, you’re going for variety- so make sure you bounce back and forth from high class BDSM to low class blow jobs. Also, don’t forget the hard working trannies- they have the best meat. Alternative for those who like working: buy or become a pimp.

Pharmaceuticals: Invest about 20% of your million dollars in drugs. Drug dealers make the world go round- it’s pretty psychedelic. Take about 10% in make sure you get the best stuff (from pharmacists); use the other 10% for mystery mixes from shady characters in back alleys who look like an undead Kirk Cobain- it’s fun trying to figure what kind of trip you’re on (or not on- if it’s really crappy). When you have money- people know where to get drugs for cheap (Canada). Alt for entrepreneurs: take a chemistry course and make your own drugs.

Natives: The Indians know how to live! And there’s no better treatment than being a high roller at a Charity Casino. Go to a small establishment and gamble it all away! Complementary women and drugs: free crack for everyone! Alt: build an underground gambling ring with cock-fights: nothing better than gay cross-dressers wrestling to the death. I made a funny! Watch out Jerry Seinfeld, here I come.

By spending it all as soon as possible, you avoid the curse that comes with it. Remember:  take the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 very seriously… Just look what happened to Hurley on Lost, and we all know what happened to Seth Rogen.

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